Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Future Lost

I started writing to my baby the moment I found out. I began a list of names (all boys because we all know the chances are slim for any other sex) and began to think of sleeping arrangements. I looked into buying a new bassinet and the cost of renting newborn cloth diapers. My heart was racing with joy and excitement for the day 9 months in the future when I would meet my newest little one.

I never thought that day would disappear. That the Lord would choose to take that precious life to himself before I had a chance to even feel that life within me. A hole was ripped into my life by the loss of a life that I never met. Leaving in its wake a dark pit of fear and uncertainty.

No one can really prepare you for the sorrow a miscarriage brings. A friend of mine described the need for support being like a woman who has just had a newborn baby but also lost a family member. In one fell swoop, you are mourning the loss of a life you were planning for while still having to pass that life from within you.

I prayed against the loss of life but it was taken. I prayed for a safe passing of the baby but was hospitalized and required surgery. My prayers were not answered the way I had desired but I know it was all His good and perfect will. I may never understand exactly why these things happened but I do know that God knows.

I look around and see all the blessings God has bestowed on us. 4 healthy and happy boys, a warm home, a loving husband and a supportive family (both blood and church). He has been so good and will continue to be good to us. Even in the terror of the loss, he got me to the hospital before it was too late. He spared my life instead of taking it as well.

I am left confused and scared. The terror of what I went through leaves me wondering if it is safe for me to have another child. Will my life be taken from me instead of spared like it was this time? Will it happen all over again? Was this Gods way of showing me I should be pleased with my family of 6?

I know all of these thoughts are from me wanting to be in control of what happens. I need to relinquish it to God. He is the one who holds all things together and breathes life into us. The worries just keep coming back. I don't know when the sorrow will fade. I know it will never be gone. My child was lost and will never be forgotten but God will also bring joy. He heals and brings comfort.

I have hope that one day I will be able to meet this little one in heaven. Until then I have 4 beautiful lives to care for here on earth. I have taken the letters to this baby and put them away. I have collected the sorry cards and tucked them away to help heal my heart but the memory will haunt me for some time.

I praise God that I have very little time to sit and think of my loss and instead and surrounded by many joyful noises.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Sing and Make Music

I want to be as the Psalmist was:

My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn
I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaching to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over the earth. Psalm 57:7-11 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

You Know You're Tired When...

You take these lyrics:
A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink
Sees a girl that catches his eye
Asks her if she wants another
They fall for each other and end up lovers

Read more: Tyler Farr - A Guy Walks Into A Bar Lyrics | MetroLyrics 
And you hear:

A cow walks into a barn, orders a drink sees a girl that catches his eye...

 All I could think, until the 3rd time the chorus was sung, was when did beastiality become such a public and romanticized issue? Isn't it bad enough already?

Time to get myself to bed.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Everything Has a Home

I'd never had a hard time keeping my house neat, tidy and clean until I had three kids and lived in an unfinished house. Something radically changed in my ability and motivation. Now, I find I am struggling to simply keep on top of the kitchen island, let alone the rest of the house.

My mom came by yesterday to give me a hand. She reminded me to give everything a home. And once it has a home, any time it is out, it is to be put back into its home immediately. I am sure this is the secret to success, and I have known it and not practiced it very well.

Here is what my house looks like ( the downstairs) after my mom came:

 Here is the hutch in our dining/ kitchen area. So much less dumpy.

 Our living room, with specific cubby holes for certain things.
 Our other living area. Clean and neat.

 My desk! The dumping ground for everything in Dave's pockets and anything I don't have a home for.

Here is the office that has become somewhat of a play room.

I am very motivated to keep up with it. The boys even saw some of the work and commented that the house looked beautiful. Matthew and Levi even tried telling Declan off for spilling lego all over the floor. "The house is beautiful Declan. Stop messing it up."

Keeping a house is far from easy but I know that keeping the rule of giving everything a home and always putting things away is the solution.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

For Mandie

Our beautiful baby niece is finally leaving us to her adoptive parents. It's tragic yet beautiful. It was the plan all along but she takes a piece of all our hearts with her. I don't think any of us will miss that part of our hearts the way we will miss her.

For each of my foster nieces (and nephews, although we have yet to have any) I like to have something to give them. I made a teddy for our last princess, and for this one, a blanket:

When I prayed for her at dinner tonight, and for my sister and her family, Matthew turned and ask me why we had to give her away. I explained to him the situation. How is was a very special thing that she was going from one loving family to a permanent home. He seemed to understand. Ewan, however, was perplexed:

You mean, we will have to do that with Declan too?

Hard for little ones to make sense of it all. However, we have all been so blessed to have her in our lives. God has used us for her and her for us.

We will be praying for my sister and brother in law and all my nieces and nephews as they part with their baby sister this coming week.  God's love has filled them all to do this amazing work and he will heal their wounds and make them strong again.

Friday, February 20, 2015

Jerry Bridges

Another book complete and well worth the time. Not that it took long at all. I never wanted to put it down. 

This practical book gives many ways to see where you fall into the same traps of sin and how to fight to be holy. To have the correct balance of faith and hope but also personal effort in gaining holiness.

The very final paragraph of the book says:

Surely He has not commanded you to be holy without providing the means to be holy. The privilege of being holy is your, and the decision and responsibility to be holy is yours. If you make that decision, you will experience the fullness of joy which Christ had promised to those who walk in obedience to Him.
A highly recommended read from my point of view. I have his following book, The Pursuit of Godliness, which I plan on picking up next.

If you chose to pick this one  up, you will not  be disappointed.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Should I Be Worried?

His matching needs work.